What happens when all we know is being on the outside.

It's as if I'm stuck in the divots of a wheel that keeps turning and turning, not stopping, regardless of my dragging carcass underneath. 

Have you ever found yourself so stuck in the habitual wheels of destructive patterns, that you are not even sure what it looks like to get off the crazy ride? Or even if you want to, because it's become so much a part of you, that you're not sure what your life looks like without them? How much time you'd get back from your nights without drinking the 2 bottles of wine you need a night to silence your thoughts, how much personal respect you'd save without sleeping with the same type of guy over and over again, because they fill an emotional void, 

There is no time to explore other routes when you're stuck underneath, lost in repetitive motion.

We will not heal without the work. Sometimes the greatest strength needed is not used to fix ourselves, but more the energy needed to pause the wheel for a moment or two, so we can catch our breath, stop, listen, and inquire.

For me, I am so committed to being lost in the wheel of personal body shaming and self-deprecation. From the relationship I have with food, whether or not it will make me 'skinny' or 'fat', to the self-talk I have when I see my stomach in the mirror or a photo, to the comparison of other slender 'yoga bodies' I see in the media. When I get lost in these thoughts, these triggers, I truly get VERY lost. The pit seems so large and deep, that I can't even envision what it looks like to get out. It's the darkest night, without even the moon to illuminate my path. Which is quite hilarious, considering, it was just a few days before this current full moon, that my mind got fully tangled up in this ridiculous bullshit...again. So I finally committed taking a minute to pause and reflect, with the illumination of this beautiful moon, to try and understand.

I can't recall exactly when my thought of not being physically good enough started to sing it's songs in my head, it just happened, and like magic, slid into my brain, an unwanted guest, like an alternate personality.

Growing up, kids were cruel, of course, I was called 'Larda', by those who were creative, and by those not so word-smithy, just 'fat'. I was very self-aware of the difference in my body size and stature. I have those thick and dense Eastern Europe bones to survive heavy winters, except, those bones weren't needed in upstate NY, nor were they the norm of what was presented in my middle and high school. Because of my awareness, I was hyper-sensitive, and anything but resilient. All I wanted to do was to fit in and belong, to the point where the kids in school could smell my desperation, and well, we know how that tends to work out. The harder I pushed, the more desperate I looked. I wanted to fit. Not even 'in'. Just to fit.

Over my teenage years, I developed coping mechanisms to help me survive. Dove completely into my classical music career, as a Junior in High School. Playing in College Orchestras, in Regional Orchestras, anything to pull me away from the innate feeling of not belonging. If I was practicing and making reeds, I couldn't focus on how separate I felt from this world. Classical Music was the only thing that helped me connect and feel what I know now to be 'oneness'. My heart slowly hardened, I realized that I could scare people to get them to leave me alone and it worked. From junior year till graduation, I got left alone, but still, a very much lone wolf, with about 2 people I could really call a good friend. I was what you'd call 'the freak', and I had a grand old time living the part I created to exist with as little of pain as possible.

Flash forward ten years, I was living in Denver. Had just quit Classical Music, got my heart broken, disenchanted, more alone than I had ever been, I stepped into my first CorePower Yoga class at the Grant St studio in Denver. Instantly I fit. I didn't 'fit in', rather, I could be myself, and like a perfectly angled puzzle piece, I slid right in. I hadn't felt a sense of belonging like this in a really long time. I could be nerdy, basic, edgy, silly, full of love, I didn't just have to pick one! I could shine every part that was inside of me so brightly. I worked here!

But then, things about my physical body started to surface. Internal dialogue from my past, in a different light. Those comments from my family about if I should be eating what I was eating, why I was wearing a particular item of clothing that 'didn't fit me', to the cruel comments from kids growing up. I watched my food carefully, practiced a lot, and began to loose weight, then I'd gain weight, because I didn't want to restrict, then I'd lose weight because I felt more worth when I was skinnier, rinse and repeat for the next right years. When I would gain weight I started to compare myself to the beautiful Yoga goddess around me, to my past self, or what I saw on social media. All over again, I felt like I didn't belong, that I wasn't worth anything, that I didn't fit.

But this time, it was, and is still, all me. No one was telling me these things, or expressing it non-verbally in how they looked at me. If anything, people were commenting on how strong I was, but that wasn't enough for my internal demon.

And here we are today, well more like, Sunday, when I decided to dig deeper. I decided to do a small card pull, as that's how I've been able to successfully process things these days. And the first card I pulled, was the Hierophant in reverse, which can be translated to the removal of status quo, of tradition, of what is considered 'run of the mill'. And then, everything started to make sense. My mind became clear.

Through my internal body shaming I was finding another way NOT to belong, because that's what I know best. I have been throwing myself out on the fringe, all over again. Which made me think, do I really like being on the outside looking in that much? In a space when I couldn't feel more complete and more like myself, I was rejecting my body, to still feel some of that pain of not belonging.

The majority of my life there has been this war between the rebellious, 'I don't give a fuck' side, with the traditionalist,  who desires to be like everyone else, grasping for acceptance. Of course, I am naturally looking in the wrong place for this acceptance, when really, it has to start with me, no one else gets to have a say.

I don't care about what people will think about my hair, so why do I care about what other's think about my body? Forcing it to be smaller and wanting it to be different than what I was born with. What if I took that other timid, people pleasing voice and dimmed it to the background while allowing the non-status quo, witchy Yogi, with strong bones, to stand in the forefront? What if, I allow myself to fit, right where I am, with people I love so dearly?

Beauty is strength. Connection. Feeling good. Dying your hair, getting tattooed, loving your booty, eating cupcakes when you want to and spreading love to all beings.

I am by no means 'healed'. It doesn't happen that quickly. Yet, by taking the time, and really committing to wanting to change the patterns within, I was able to truly identify what has been holding me back all along. It never was about my body, yet it's always been about belonging.

So, next time you feel yourself deep in that pit of no return, I challenge you to be willing to explore the darkness a little, and to consider, what about the status quo is holding you back? What box are you trying to fit into, that is causing you pain, that you do not need to be experiencing? Experience it, write about it, sing about it, dance about it.

Concerned about the other cards in this pull? Don't be! The three of swords is telling me to use my words and thought to help not only heal myself, but share my story with others, in hopes that we together can find healing. And well, the nine of wands? That bitch means I'm almost there! But there's still some work to be done.

Happy healing friends. We've got this together. We just need to listen and receive.

As always, reach out with questions, or just to connect. We are in this together!

Om Shanti Om