Ahimsa and the tiny voices in our head.
As we take a journey within self-growth, exploration, and just all around, figuring out how to be a better person, the concept of Ahimsa becomes our keystone, the largest pillar among what the 8-Limbs of Yoga, and the journey to enlightenment is founded on.
'Him', meaning to strike, 'Himsa', to cause injury or harm. In Sanskrit, when you place an 'a' in front of a word, it negates what comes after it. Therefore, Ahimsa, means, non-harm, non-violence.
I am by nature a VERY competitive person. Growing up a Classical Musician, you had to seek out the competition, rise above it, otherwise you'd be buried alive, or even worse, obsolete. In the past, this competitiveness has caused great harm to me, most particularly, mentally.
This topic of Ahimsa, does directly relate to non-harm in the sense of non-violence, but I feel, we forget about this concept a lot when it comes to do with avoiding internal harm through negative self-talk, self-deprecation, working too much, etc, etc. And as a Musician, you practiced until you got the measure, the phrase, or the movement you were working on. Your job wasn't complete until it was completely perfect, and sucks for you, it may not be perfect tomorrow, when it really matters. This weight, this stress, can be a lot for people going through college, even High School, when you really feel the pressure on you, and it leads even more into adult life, when you are furiously practicing hours upon hours, for that one break. And the joke is, most of the time, you don't even get the 'break'. So what do you do? You drink, you work until 12am, blisters on your fingers, you create even a more dangerous self-dialogue, or, even try to destroy the competition around you, all to cover and hide what you're truly feeling.
I know this act of self-harm isn't just isolated to Music Performance, it's unfortunately a natural act of most if not ALL of the performing arts. The dancers being told they aren't skinny enough to be on stage, the actors and actresses being passed up for the younger, prettier talent, the artists forced to sacrifice their integrity because of what the mass population wants to see, it's there, all around us. Not isolated to the arts. It's the girl abused as a child, so all she knows is that pain, and starves herself mentally and physically, it's the large company CEO who's gained self-destructive habits to find success, it's the bullies in Middle School, who force kids to come home crying, or even worse, to end their life, because they don't look like everyone else around them.
I wish all of these people could find Yoga, not just the Asana practice, but the practice of Yoga philosophy, of breath work, all the components that remind us how much we DO belong, and how we are all just the same.
Yoga has taught me all these things, most importantly it's given me a space to just BE FREE. Free of the negative self-talk I'm so good at, free of the feeling like I need to keep up, I allow myself to close my eyes, and just exist. But, I warn you, it's not always easy, which I'm sure you know. As I've changed career paths, it's just another insecurity that gets in my way. This incessant voice saying 'you'll never be perfect', 'you'll never be enough'.
As a child, a lot of emphasis was put on my weight, what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating. What was the matter? I was a happy kid! I was far from obese. I was happy, I was just a little chubby around the edges. But that didn't stop in middle school and even in high school, from pointing out how much larger I was than everyone. The names, the bullying, once...I was even 'jumped', or at least, they tried to. Here's the surprise when you're bigger, most of the time, you don't have to put up with it. But alas, the emotional trauma lasts much longer than the physical noise. I've carried the voices of all these people for the past 33 years, avoiding the voice of my own truth.
Sitting in a chair and playing music, it didn't matter, I covered up my belly with thick layers of black clothing, and did little to no physical exercise, like I said, no time, all practice. But as I got older, I began to notice how important it was for me to start finding movement, and then I decided to take a drastic career change into the world of Yoga. Teaching, managing, leading programs, I've been immersed in this world for the past four years, a decision I would NEVER regret, it was the healthiest and most true decision I've made my entire life. What I didn't realize is how exposed I would feel, how the voices of imperfection would just shift. The voices are now ones of 'this is not what a Yoga body looks like', 'you've been practicing longer than so and so, why can they do this and you can't?', 'look at your belly, it's disgusting, put your shirt back on'. These are not words of freedom, are they? Hell no, they aren't. I have those days where I begin to shift only on what I can't do and how it isn't fair, I begin to covet the bodies of my co-workers, because they are what I believe perfect is. When will I be perfect enough?
There are times where I begin to fixate on my body, tearing up every corner, and nook and cranny, demanding my body change with my practice, and beating myself up that it hasn't. But what needs to change, is not my body, it's beautiful, it's curvy, soft in some places, firm in others...what really needs to change is my dialogue, the way I speak to my body. Having an epiphany in class yesterday, while I caught a glimpse of myself in my sports bra (why do I wear a sports bra? well, that's a whole other blog entry) and immediately went on the defensive. What the hell? This practice is for me! Not for you stupid voices. I decided in that moment, the only way I'd start to be free, truly free, would be to focus my attention on the areas I find super strong. The moment my attention comes to my belly and how 'flabby' it is, I tell myself, 'your arms are so strong', shift the focus, the attention, my moving meditation. Move from a place of hate, to a place of appreciation. Life again, is too short to demand things others wouldn't even think of demanding from you. When do we get a break? We are the only ones who can offer that to ourselves, truly.
I must come back from this, remember, I am there to lead my students towards self-acceptance, including me, the never-ending student. What good am I as a leader, if I don't even believe in the beauty in my own body? What message am I conveying? I am not ok with that, I am so much stronger than that, as we all are. This is not who I am anymore, I left this all behind.
The practice of Yoga truly begins when we can begin to shift through those voices, just like we had a bullshit sifter in our mind, moving and separating what is real, and what is not. We begin to love, every muscle, bone, fiber, in our own bodies, therefore, being able to spread that love all around us, and create a movement so much larger than ourselves. The real practice begins not when we hit child's pose, but when we make the choices to put food in our body that heals us, we begin to find people around us that make us feel good, when we are able to shift our internal speak to those of empowering words, and slowly, just slowly, start to believe them. We were born with everything we've ever needed, right inside of us. The power, the strength, the beauty, but it's up to us to really understand, and want to understand that we are all different, and that's ok.
I have made a commitment and I hope you will too. Those moments, where you want to inflict harm, mental, emotional, bring your focus to something in regards to your strength. When we begin to alter our main focal point, we begin to allow the areas that need to heal, room to heal, without putting the never-ending spotlight on them.
So today, in those hardest of moments, how can you empower yourself to be stronger? To change your story, to re-write your dialogue? To become the wonderfully amazing human being you were born to be!
'Him', meaning to strike, 'Himsa', to cause injury or harm. In Sanskrit, when you place an 'a' in front of a word, it negates what comes after it. Therefore, Ahimsa, means, non-harm, non-violence.
I am by nature a VERY competitive person. Growing up a Classical Musician, you had to seek out the competition, rise above it, otherwise you'd be buried alive, or even worse, obsolete. In the past, this competitiveness has caused great harm to me, most particularly, mentally.
This topic of Ahimsa, does directly relate to non-harm in the sense of non-violence, but I feel, we forget about this concept a lot when it comes to do with avoiding internal harm through negative self-talk, self-deprecation, working too much, etc, etc. And as a Musician, you practiced until you got the measure, the phrase, or the movement you were working on. Your job wasn't complete until it was completely perfect, and sucks for you, it may not be perfect tomorrow, when it really matters. This weight, this stress, can be a lot for people going through college, even High School, when you really feel the pressure on you, and it leads even more into adult life, when you are furiously practicing hours upon hours, for that one break. And the joke is, most of the time, you don't even get the 'break'. So what do you do? You drink, you work until 12am, blisters on your fingers, you create even a more dangerous self-dialogue, or, even try to destroy the competition around you, all to cover and hide what you're truly feeling.
I know this act of self-harm isn't just isolated to Music Performance, it's unfortunately a natural act of most if not ALL of the performing arts. The dancers being told they aren't skinny enough to be on stage, the actors and actresses being passed up for the younger, prettier talent, the artists forced to sacrifice their integrity because of what the mass population wants to see, it's there, all around us. Not isolated to the arts. It's the girl abused as a child, so all she knows is that pain, and starves herself mentally and physically, it's the large company CEO who's gained self-destructive habits to find success, it's the bullies in Middle School, who force kids to come home crying, or even worse, to end their life, because they don't look like everyone else around them.
I wish all of these people could find Yoga, not just the Asana practice, but the practice of Yoga philosophy, of breath work, all the components that remind us how much we DO belong, and how we are all just the same.
Yoga has taught me all these things, most importantly it's given me a space to just BE FREE. Free of the negative self-talk I'm so good at, free of the feeling like I need to keep up, I allow myself to close my eyes, and just exist. But, I warn you, it's not always easy, which I'm sure you know. As I've changed career paths, it's just another insecurity that gets in my way. This incessant voice saying 'you'll never be perfect', 'you'll never be enough'.
As a child, a lot of emphasis was put on my weight, what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating. What was the matter? I was a happy kid! I was far from obese. I was happy, I was just a little chubby around the edges. But that didn't stop in middle school and even in high school, from pointing out how much larger I was than everyone. The names, the bullying, once...I was even 'jumped', or at least, they tried to. Here's the surprise when you're bigger, most of the time, you don't have to put up with it. But alas, the emotional trauma lasts much longer than the physical noise. I've carried the voices of all these people for the past 33 years, avoiding the voice of my own truth.
Sitting in a chair and playing music, it didn't matter, I covered up my belly with thick layers of black clothing, and did little to no physical exercise, like I said, no time, all practice. But as I got older, I began to notice how important it was for me to start finding movement, and then I decided to take a drastic career change into the world of Yoga. Teaching, managing, leading programs, I've been immersed in this world for the past four years, a decision I would NEVER regret, it was the healthiest and most true decision I've made my entire life. What I didn't realize is how exposed I would feel, how the voices of imperfection would just shift. The voices are now ones of 'this is not what a Yoga body looks like', 'you've been practicing longer than so and so, why can they do this and you can't?', 'look at your belly, it's disgusting, put your shirt back on'. These are not words of freedom, are they? Hell no, they aren't. I have those days where I begin to shift only on what I can't do and how it isn't fair, I begin to covet the bodies of my co-workers, because they are what I believe perfect is. When will I be perfect enough?
There are times where I begin to fixate on my body, tearing up every corner, and nook and cranny, demanding my body change with my practice, and beating myself up that it hasn't. But what needs to change, is not my body, it's beautiful, it's curvy, soft in some places, firm in others...what really needs to change is my dialogue, the way I speak to my body. Having an epiphany in class yesterday, while I caught a glimpse of myself in my sports bra (why do I wear a sports bra? well, that's a whole other blog entry) and immediately went on the defensive. What the hell? This practice is for me! Not for you stupid voices. I decided in that moment, the only way I'd start to be free, truly free, would be to focus my attention on the areas I find super strong. The moment my attention comes to my belly and how 'flabby' it is, I tell myself, 'your arms are so strong', shift the focus, the attention, my moving meditation. Move from a place of hate, to a place of appreciation. Life again, is too short to demand things others wouldn't even think of demanding from you. When do we get a break? We are the only ones who can offer that to ourselves, truly.
I must come back from this, remember, I am there to lead my students towards self-acceptance, including me, the never-ending student. What good am I as a leader, if I don't even believe in the beauty in my own body? What message am I conveying? I am not ok with that, I am so much stronger than that, as we all are. This is not who I am anymore, I left this all behind.
The practice of Yoga truly begins when we can begin to shift through those voices, just like we had a bullshit sifter in our mind, moving and separating what is real, and what is not. We begin to love, every muscle, bone, fiber, in our own bodies, therefore, being able to spread that love all around us, and create a movement so much larger than ourselves. The real practice begins not when we hit child's pose, but when we make the choices to put food in our body that heals us, we begin to find people around us that make us feel good, when we are able to shift our internal speak to those of empowering words, and slowly, just slowly, start to believe them. We were born with everything we've ever needed, right inside of us. The power, the strength, the beauty, but it's up to us to really understand, and want to understand that we are all different, and that's ok.
I have made a commitment and I hope you will too. Those moments, where you want to inflict harm, mental, emotional, bring your focus to something in regards to your strength. When we begin to alter our main focal point, we begin to allow the areas that need to heal, room to heal, without putting the never-ending spotlight on them.
So today, in those hardest of moments, how can you empower yourself to be stronger? To change your story, to re-write your dialogue? To become the wonderfully amazing human being you were born to be!
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