Divine Play, Devotion, and Motherly Wisdom.

I found myself struck. Out of breath. On the verge of tears. Filled with ecstatic joy and a sense of understanding, that I have yet to realize on this earth. All my chanting one phrase, ' Maa Durga, Maa Durga.' Surrounded by other Yogis, opening themselves up to the potential to love, to devote, to just say 'yes'.

I believe that Sally Kempton calls this 'Shakti'.

I've read about it, but have never truly been able to experience it on this level before. What was different? I can vividly recall the first time I heard those words to Durga, the warrior goddess of protection, and inner strength. It was four years ago, in my first advanced Teacher Training. Indifferent and skeptical, I honestly couldn't have given two shits about what devotion, or Bhakti truly was. How far things can change in just a short amount of time.

I was blessed to spend last week in the Bahamas, at the Sivananda Ashram, on Paradise Island...and paradise it truly is. Not only was I surrounded by amazing Vegetarian food, the restorative effects of expansive space of turquoise water, the sounds of Jai Uttal on the harmonium, and the wisdom of countless Swamis from the Vedic lineage, but I was also able to spend this time with my mother, the person who taught me all about spiritual freedom and devotion, in the way she poured her heart out for my sisters and I, and in the way in which she embraced Jesus, and Buddha, all at the same time.

It's taken me a few days to begin to truly process and understand what the purpose of this trip was. Obviously, I wanted to spend more time with my mother, and sit on the beach. After this trip, I found myself jaded by the angst of the Karma Yogis, disconnected from the silent meditation, and even resisting the Yoga practice itself. Perhaps my purpose was to just disconnect and fill my cup, which of course, was the priority. But there was an underlying beat within my heart, something that felt slightly different. An understanding? A sense of belonging? And listening to my favorite chant to Durga on the bus tonight brought that same estacy within me and I immediately realized the shift, it was right in front of my face.

Feeling so disconnected from an outlet of creativity I've had since the age of 8, this lack of musical expression has offered somewhat of a deep void in my heart the past few years. Yet, the feeling of anxiety, and disappointment, every time I pick up my Oboe, made me believe I could never feel this way again, and dug the knife a little deeper, into the wounds my previous life inflicted. How could I fill this in? Curating playlists and researching vibrations wasn't quite doing the job.

The purpose, the shift, is Bhakti. The ability to devote yourself to something larger than you, to sing your heart out, through song, through play, through creation. With an utter and complete respect to all beings.

As I start to allow these feelings to surface, I also begin to realize, that not only has my mom provided me with the wisdom of spiritual freedom and flexibility, but I also find myself inspired by her ability to dance, to live freely, to be joyful, and silly, almost always. She was the original 'hippy'. Of course I would never tell this to her to her face, because I"m the kind of person who always has it together. Who needs a plan, who is structured and organized, at times, to a fault. Yet, this past week, I find myself a little jealous, a bit envious, and striving to find more play, or Lila, as they call it in Hindu texts. Her ability to laugh at herself, to chant loudly and mess up the words, to fall over in Yoga, this is what being devoted to yourself, devoted to life, can look like. And I want it! It takes true talent for someone to just trust the process, to believe that once the wheels of Karma are in motion, all we can do is have a damn good time, through dance, song, devotion, and love.

Being surrounded by miles of sand, the depths of the ocean, and the sounds of 'Om', you truly begin to wonder, why take it so seriously? Why not try, just try, to enjoy every moment, and devote yourself to that moment? To devote yourself to something bigger, with a smile, with an open heart, and an ability to receive.

This...this is not easy for me. A sense of natural skepticism surrounds me at all times. Guards my heart, just in case some dickhead wants to steal it, and rip it right from underneath me. Yet, I can't help but wonder, in these moments of ecstasy, when your heart pounds from your chest, you're nearing tears, and full of so much gratitude, what would happen, if I just say 'yes'. Yes to love, yes to play, yes to devoting myself to something so much bigger than my ego, my doubts, my insecurities.

To me, this is the act of song. The act of a meaningful meditation that Bhakti, and the Yoga of devotion can provide. I've come to realize this past week, that nothing feels more like home, than singing the song of Om, than chanting to the goddess Durga, to Shiva, to Hanuman. When I begin to combine something that is so familiar, such as music, vibrations, my heart begins to open again, it begins to heal itself. The cold shell begins to peel, I am filled with gratitude that resemble the rays of the vibrant sun, and this play, this Lila, is so much easier to understand. Because, if we're given these few years, on this earth, in our body, why not make the best? Why not smile? Why not dance to the sound of the drum, your internal drum of a heart beat, the soothing sounds of the Harmonium? Even, while everyone is looking. Especially if your beautiful mother is involved. Dancing with all the other gods and goddesses up there. Whatever they look like and whomever they are to you.

Tonight, I invite you to dance. To put a smile on your face. To sing the sound of something, even if it's the name of someone you love, your own name, or just the sound of your cat. Rolf Gates says 'If you're alienated by the God of your childhood, try coming up with another God.'

What/who do you chose to pour your heart out to and do they truly make you sing? Because, when it comes down to it, life it really far to short to fill your days up with anything that does not give you joy.

Good night and Good morning, Yogis. Welcome to life.