Falling slightly off the devotion wagon. Where does your heart lie?

A break from our regularly scheduled installment on the Yamas & Niayamas-

I need to be honest with you, the past few years, my devotional practice has flourished, grown, and opened up so many opportunity for my growth. Yet, within this past month, I found myself completely disconnected from it. It's easy to get wrapped up in the day to day, I'll give you that one, but I found myself not caring, not wanting to take a minute to om, to chant, to just reflect, to even listen. Tired, energetically drained, yet full at the same time. I thought nothing of it. Until tonight, when I realized how disconnected I truly have become. I haven't felt this far away from the beat of my heart in a long time. And why? just coming back from an Ashram, where I got to sing with Jai Uttal every night, I should have been beaming, glistening, inspired.

I can recall the day this shift happened, the day after I got home. Inquiring about Bhakti Yogis love for Ram, I read a little deeper into his story, most particularly, the story of Sita, his beloved. The beloved of the entire land. So beloved, Ram had to win her over by exhibiting his strength through an impossible task of aiming Krishna's bow, a task she knew could not be accomplished, yet, as the avatar of Krishna, his powers allowed him to control the bow, and in the end winning the heart of Sita. Long story short, Ram is banished to the woods (you can read the full story in the 'Ramayana') and Sita follows. Sita is kidnapped by the evil demon Ravana and Ram and Hanuman go on a worldly search to find her. Once she is found, all order is restored? Not quite. Ram rejects Sita, stating she is 'impure'. Regardless of how many times she and the gods have tried to prove her dignity remains intact, he refuses her, and banishes her to the woods. They meet one more time in their life, where Ram once again demands her to prove her loyalty, in one last attempt, she does, in which she disappears forever, and leaves Ram alone, for the rest of his life.

I don't consider myself much of a 'feminist', I actually despise that word. Yet I believe in the power of the feminine, the strength, and equality that all of us deserve. So stories like this, they hit me deep tot he bone. Torn, a story I so normally love to tell, has a sour ending. Why would Hanuman devote himself to Ram this way, a man so tied to his honor, and dignity, he refuses the only woman he swore to love. (Maybe I've gone through too many break-ups and broken homes). This rubbed me the wrong way. Disappointed in the 'weakness' of Sita and the bullheadedness of Ram, I started to question what it was that inspired me about Hindu mythology and Hinduism as a whole. I decided I needed a little bit of space, so took a week off of journaling, and chanting. I needed a clear head and a different view. That week, turned into an entire month. Bhakti and I took a little bit of a break.

When I sat down for meditation tonight, I decided I needed to dig a little deeper, figure out what had me tied up, so I used the mantra, 'what am I devoted to?', not very traditional, as it's normally a phrase, a statement, rather than a question. At first, not much, but as I got a little further in, and allowed myself to slow down, I envisioned Hanuman, and his devotion to Ram and Sita. The way he poured his heart open and surrendered himself for their greater good, for two people he hardly knew, but knew he loved.

In this meditation, I realized I have been caught up and busy. Yet for a good reason. I have spent the past month, in very physically challenging classes, not only to test the boundaries of my physical body, yet to also support new teachers, and the greatness that is within them.

I realized, that, although, my focus has shifted from a devotion to myself, to the development of myself, that does not mean I am no longer devoted. Much like the moment of when Hanuman wrips his heart open to show Ram and Sita they are within him, I realized that is where our teachers lie within me. The reason I have felt so off my spiritual 'game' and journey, is because I am making space for the growth of others. My devotion is growth, my devotion is to help foster that, and bring it to the surface of the people I care for the most. So although I may not be making it to my mediation cushion every night, I may not be dropping into complete Samadhi after class, or chanting to Durga every night, I am opening my heart to the potential within others, to be the guiding light, in which I was once given.

We all do shady things from time to time. We do things we regret and actions we stand strongly by. To me, that does not dictate someone's worth. What does, is love, is heart. 

My heart beats so strongly.

As I think Hanuman's did. Regardless of what happened between Sita and Ram, he knew he loved them, what they symbolized, and what they did for him, how they made him feel whole. That is what I am given every day when I step into someone's class and take the seat of a mentor. I feel my heart become whole. Regardless of their past, what they did this weekend, we are all the same, we all want to create change, and be better, more loved, people.

What is located at the center of your heart? How can you find forgiveness by believing in love, the love we all deserve?

Take a minute to write those down, to reflect on who is at the center, and how you can tap into that love just a little more.

Good night, Yogis.